Patience

God is certainly teaching me patience. Tonight at church one of our pastors spoke about how the Lord brings us exactly where He wants us in order to teach us patience. I have been in waiting mode since I’ve learned about my tumor on June 26 of this year. Several weeks of waiting. It is awesome to me how the Lord works because while the waiting has been a bit of a stress in its own right, I have been able to use this time to share with so many people about what Jesus has done for me and how good he is.

My wife asked me earlier today if I was ready or if I was nervous at all. I am certainly ready. Ready for it to just be over! :) But I really am not nervous or anxious in any way. The Lord has absolutely given me a peace that passes all understanding and it has manifested itself in a very real and supernatural way. Guess I should stop trying to explain it since as the bible says it does pass all understanding. :) So all the explaining in the world won’t help anyone to understand it. :)

 I’m done with my work duties as well. I wrapped everything up and was able to leave feeling like things are in a great state on Friday. I feel like I’m a bit excited – kind of like before a vacation or something! :)

The Lord has been overwhelming me with so many awesome insights into his word and I hope to capture them in the next few days. I can’t wait to share all that He is teaching me…

Busy Times Ahead

I’m entering an unfamiliar state of being overwhelmed. My wife and I feel overwhelmed with all that we would like to try and get done before I go “under the knife”. Less than 2 weeks left with lots of doctor appointments next week which will eat up even more time. I feel like I’m running in circles getting very little done for a lot of different tasks. One of my friends at work said, “Hey, isn’t t that called multi-tasking”? :) Very true, but it is not effective for me today. We want to try and finish some home repair stuff as well as “purge” our house of a lot of junk that has accumulated. Our kids are definitely spoiled and we just have to get rid of some toys. We want to kind of rearrange some furniture so that I can have a place to rest on the main floor of our house and also so that we can have a spot to sit and chat with folks that may come to visit. I know that we put too much pressure on ourselves, but I just can’t help but feeling that I want to accomplish so many things before I’m useless…

We met the general surgeon on Monday (Dr. K). He is a great guy and I feel really good having him assist Dr. D. He sat with us for over an hour and talked about all kinds of things. He showed me how the scar would follow the line of my rib cage and then kind of curve around to my back. He also said that of course his goal is to leave whatever organs he can, but when it comes down to it if there is the possibility to increase the chances of getting all of the tumor by removing the spleen then the spleen will have to be sacrificed. He said that he will look for a “plane” that will allow him to remove the tumor and leave other things. He was an awesome guy and very sharp. We had a chance to share with him how the Lord is using this tumor in our lives and that kind of surprised him I think but he was pretty receptive. I got vaccines for pneumonia and meningitus (sp?) and my arm is still a bit red and sore. Those are some hard core vaccines!

But now that I’ve met all the doctors I feel even more mentally prepared to go into surgery. I have been trying to anticipate what the 5-7 day hospital stay will be like. One thing I may try to do is go to Target and buy like 7 small boxes of legos for BigD and 7 something elses for JR so that when they come to see daddy in the hospital they can look forward to a treat. I want to try and make this situation as positive for them as I possibly can.

I still find myself in amazement at how God is using this in my life. Sunday night at church the speaker gave a challenge that I thought was really great. He said that as you go about your day to day lives that we should 1) be sensitive to situations and people around us, 2) specifically use the name of Jesus, and 3) pray for people. He received this challenge from a missionary that was speaking at his church and took the challenge to heart. The next day he was eating lunch at Chili’s and heard a woman crying in a booth behind him. Feeling this was an opportunity to act on the challenge he walked to her table and said “I don’t know what you are feeling or what you are going through, but the answer is Jesus. Let me pray for you. Dear Jesus, give this woman a peace in her life and in this circumstance.” And then he walked away. The woman ended up coming to his church (he didn’t even mention his church to her), she was saved, remarried her husband and has had a changed life. All because this man was challenged and then was faithful to proclaim the name of Jesus. Before this tumor, my wife and I have both felt that we have not been bold enough for the Lord. Now I find that I can’t talk to someone about this situation without bringing up the goodness of the Lord. For that I am thankful as He has definitely put a new testimony in my mouth!

Kid Speak

I really love listening to my children speak. My son walked in this morning and asked if I knew how “Voltanos” worked. I smiled and then promptly took him to the most awesome site for learning how just about anything works, aptly called How Stuff Works. I tried correcting him a few times, but when I said “No, it is vol-ca-ca-cano. There is a “C” in the middle of it.” His eyes got huge and he said, “There is a whole sea inside the voltano?” He’s the best. He saw me writing this post and I told him about what I was doing and he said, “Can you write on there that my son builds really cool legos?” I said of course I can! :) I’ve said before how I know all parents think their kids are rocket scientists and engineers right out of the womb, but I really am quite amazed by some of the things that he builds with his legos. He (unlike his obsessive compulsive perfectionist father) can’t stand the instructions and just goes with whatever is in his mind. He has built countless planes, cars, boats, houses, and other things that are just so cool! My wife and I have started getting some pictures of some of them. I need to find some of the good ones and share them on our flickr site.

My daughter just loves to look at her little toddler Bible. It is pink and anything that is pink is so cool to her. She calls it her “Bible-Jesus” and will carry it around with her as she clomps through our house in my wife’s shoes. :) My wife and I try to alternate putting each kid to bed on different nights and last night was my night to put my daughter (JR) to bed. We read the Bible-Jesus and then said prayers. She is only 2 years old so understanding all that she says is still a bit of a challenge, but she is definitely a talker. She prayed for me and prayed that I would be healed. It was so neat. God really can use our children in an amazing way to touch our lives. Then she begged me to sing “Sonshine” to her and I sang “You are my Sonshine” a few times with her. She loves to sing along though she typically just picks up some of they key words in the song. One of the verses says “You make me happy when skies are gray” but JR’s version is “make me happy…. skies are great”. It always makes me happy when she says that. :)

My wife and I meet with the general surgeon today. I’m a bit excited, really. I have had a few questions arise in my many conversations over the past few weeks and I’m looking forward to having a better understanding for how things are going to go in the operation.

I’ve also been mulling over whether I should get a second opinion or not. All the websites say to do it and I’ve had lots of folks ask me if I’ve done it, but I just hadn’t really put any focus on it. I mean, I have a total peace about Dr. D and feel that God may be using me in his life as much as he is using him in my life. So I really have done nothing about it, but of course I started having doubts about that decision given all of the questions I was getting. This prompted me to start doing some research on how to find the absolute best doctor and all that crazy stuff which can really consume you if you’re not careful. Then in church yesterday I got to talk to a friend in the choir who is a gastrointestinal surgeon and I asked him about the second opinion dilemma. He said, “It’s not going to change anything. I mean the thing’s got to come out.” Then I told him that we were meeting with the general surgeon today and he said, “Really, that is your second opinion right there.” He confirmed my original thoughts and again I have a total peace about everything. God is so good.

Digital Alter

I was talking with my wife last night about all that God is bringing us through and how the journey has only just begun (still about 2 weeks before my surgery). I told her that I really didn’t want to get through all of this and get all better and then forget about what God has done for us. The Lord then reminded me of the many alters that were built throughout the Old Testament in the Bible to praise God and to remember what He had done for His people. This got me thinking that this blog is pretty much my digital alter to the Lord. Created in part to give Him praise and glory for all that He is doing in my life and also in part so I will never forget. This has also made me realize that I know very little about alters in general and has gotten me totally curious about them. So I hope this week to dig in to God’s word and learn what the Lord wants to teach me about the whos and whats and whens and hows and whys of alters. I look forward to sharing more of what He reveals.

Blessings

What an awesome day. I can’t express enough how good God is in so many ways. I have been kind of ho-hum the past couple of days. Work is keeping me very occupied. I’m simultaneously trying to catch up from being out for most of the previous 2 weeks (tumor week and July 4th holiday) as well as trying to get ahead so that when I hand things off to the person who will back me up while I’m out everything will be in good order.

I have a new perspective on work now – I would say that I now work to live instead of living to work. I could easily turn into a workaholic. I see the tendencies in me. I strive for perfection and it does feel good to do a good job and be successful. But now I find that I would prefer to do a good job at being a husband and a dad. I’ve seen too many people close to me get hurt by giving too much of themselves to their work and not enough of themselves to the ones that love them. And so now I look at my job responsibilities as just another way that I can express my devotion to Jesus. I work hard to do a job that would honor the Lord and therefore gain credibility and gain a foundation with those I work with. I don’t go the extra million miles, but I do the best that I feel that I can within a reasonable work day. It is more of a conscious effort now to work hard to glorify the Lord and then leave it at the office so I can go home and continue to glorify him as a husband and dad. It is a paradigm shift for me, but I find that life is so much more rewarding than before. I definitely know that my job is a total blessing from the Lord in so many ways. I can see his hand moving in my life even when I was too preoccupied to take the time to notice and praise Him. How selfish we can be sometimes, thinking that anything on this earth is a product purely of our own efforts. I mean if you really want to get into the nitty gritty on things, if God didn’t allow us to take our next breath then we wouldn’t be able to do even one more thing!

But I digress. I mention my job because it has been taking up a lot of my time this week and I really do have a new appreciation for how much I am blessed to be where I am.

I am also blessed by a TREMENDOUS prayer network. I have so many friends and family members and perhaps people I don’t even know praying for me. It is quite amazing to me, really. I am so thankful for all of you who are standing with me in prayer through this trial and fire. I get a bit choked up when I think of those that are taking time to actually bring me and my family before the Lord. I don’t feel worthy, I don’t feel like I deserve it. But you know, my wife gave me some awesome insight. I was sharing this with her and she said, “You know what Niel, you’re right. You’re not worthy. No one is. Only Jesus is worthy.” Man, I love her. She is my keel in life providing me the stability that I need. Without a keel a sailboat would just flip over when the wind blows hard. So it is with me – when the winds of life are howling it is my wife who keeps me upright.

I have learned through friends and family that my initial emails have been forwarded to a lot of people. My dad had an old friend approach him who was one of my old high school teachers, who he didn’t directly forward the email to! How amazing! They told him that they are praying for me and that their church is praying for me. I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude at the thought of all of the people that care enough to be lifting me and my family up. It is so awesome to see the body of Christ at work! I feel privileged that God is allowing me to go through this experience and to witness His glory first hand in a new and wonderful way. Never before have I been so directly impacted by prayer. I can actually feel my spirit being lifted through everyone’s prayers. It is just a cool thing. I may have had times where I second guessed the power of prayer before this experience, but God has quickly and decisively changed me in that regard for sure.

I am also blessed by the support I’ve gotten from family in so many ways. My wife’s parents have been very encouraging and supportive. My mom is constantly sending me emails and notes to brighten my day. I can’t even begin to list all that they are doing for me. My dad has really gone out of his way and is such a blessing. The conversations we have now are so refreshing to me. He is going to pay to have my grass cut for us. And he is doing so many other things as well. I really feel that I’m growing closer to him through this and that is so cool for me. If I go through this whole ordeal just to bring him closer to the Lord and just to allow us to have a closer relationship then this is certainly worth it all. I am just so excited at how God is working. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with joy and unworthy in so many ways.

On My Mind

Blogging is turning out to be a bit consuming. I find that I think about what I may want to post several times during the day. I don’t want to post things that are pointless or meaningless but I also don’t want to post things so rarely that it isn’t useful for tracking what’s going on in my life. I am a bit obsessive compulsive about things and I am finding that blogging is no different. :)

 This week has been crazy. We took our cars in to have major tune ups done on both. Ouch, that one hurt the wallet a bit. I feel so helpless when it comes to auto repairs. I’m completely at the mercy of the folks who have my car because I just don’t have time to learn all that I could about car stuff. But we have found a place that both my wife and I really like and we trust the folks a lot and most importantly they have good customer service. If you feel like people care about you it goes a long way…

Tipsy Rolls and Bean-Beans

God is good in so many ways. If you are a parent then you know that your kids are almost certainly the most beautiful or the smartest of any kids in the whole world. That special bond that God puts between parent and child is an unexplainable mystery. I really do think my kids are the best ever and the joy that bring to my life is just totally cool. God has blessed me with two little ones – Big D is my 4 year old son and JR is my 2 year old little girl. Lately I have been laughing so hard my side hurts at some of the funny things that they have been saying.

I was helping Big D get dressed for his aunt’s wedding on Saturday as he was the ring bury-er (not bearer :)). We rented him a little tuxedo and I was helping him with the shirt and he said, “Dad, do you know why they call this a tux?”. Now if you’re a parent, you can sometimes pick up on the fact that your children are asking a rhetorical question. This was definitely one of those times. “No, D, why do they call this a tux?” He answered, “Because when you put it on you have to tucks it in to make it look nice!” I just rolled on the floor laughing. He is the best. And then, only a few minutes later he asked me to pass him the “cucumber bun”. :) He said, “Dad, what is this thing for anyway? I mean, it can’t be a belt because it doesn’t make a good belt at all.” :) He is a riot.

At church our kids always manage to find some kind of candy from all kinds of various sources like some of the choir members (one of whom always gives them candy is leaving. We will miss you terribly TD. You are in our thoughts and prayers.) or C in the nursery. JR (my little 2 year old girl) loves candy and would give her left arm for candy in a minute. C always has jelly beans and JR will often run to her and ask for “bean-beans”. And Big D loves lollipops. He was working on a tootsie roll lollipop one day and he got tired of it and asked me if I would hold his “tipsy roll pop” for a minute. He just kills me.

But I say all of this to again point to God’s great grace and love for us. It is in even these small everyday things that God can reassure us and give us a comfort that is just awesome. Only God could use the words of little children to give an unspeakable joy to my soul.

Here Comes the Bride

So tomorrow morning my wife’s youngest sister is getting married. We have been running like crazy trying to get things done. Our kids will be in the ceremony so of course my wife has been going crazy trying to find the perfect shoes and what-not. It is quite fun. :)

It is actually a pretty good distraction from the stress of last week. Still stress, but a different kind of stress. But that is why posts have been light this week. Between proofing the invitations and the program, to tasting food (which I didn’t get to help with by the way – very upset about that one as I am quite the eater! :) ), to being the “child distractor” while my wife helped with the makeup stuff and other various shopping excursions.

There is one thing that I’ve been wrestling with this week as we have been in and out of stores and malls and various other places that the wedding preparations have taken us to, and that is finding God in even the small things. After my emotional roller coaster last week and the life changing realization that life is indeed very short and totally out of our control, I have been a bit more keen to where I place the Lord in my every day comings and goings. I mean, when you find out you have a massive tumor and you don’t know what the future holds for you, it is a bit more natural to cry out to the Lord. But when you’re helping your wife look for just the right shoes for your little girl my tendency is to get frustrated rather easily. I mean, shoes are shoes, right? (All the guys are with me here, I just know it! :) ) But then I remember that my wife is a gift from the Lord. And I am to treat her as I would treat my own flesh and so I take that to mean that I am to consider those things important that are important to her. That is hard stuff, man. I mean when it comes to shopping I just am not that interested. But God cares about every small thing with me; even silly stuff, the Lord actually cares about it. Kind of blows your mind. So while we were going through about 10 different stores looking for just the perfect shoes, I found myself evaluating my attitude and trying to remind myself to give even the small stuff to God. I really want to get to that place where I can depend on the Lord to help us find the right shoes at the same level and intensity that I can depend on him to give me peace when I learn that I have a 6 inch tumor on my kidney. I definitely have a long way to go…

The Hero

I got some great advice on Tuesday from a friend at work. I’ll call him W (not the president, by the way :) ). He is my age and has MS. I remeber several years ago when I first learned that he had MS. I felt bad for him and I started praying for him and I supported the MS Bike tour that he rides in but I didn’t have the empathy for him that I have now. I couldn’t have true empathy for him because I just can’t possibly know what he was going through. I still don’t know. But I can tell you this, I will surely make more of an effort to listen to him and pray with him and try to be the friend that I haven’t been in the past.

But he gave me some great advice. He said that it was great that I was able to be so strong through this. But he said, “Don’t feel like you always have to be the hero”. There is a lot of wisdom coming into play there. From someone who has walked the walk and who has lived through things I could never even imagine. That will be hard for me I know. Once you start out very strong it is only natural to try and keep it up. And it is only natural for others to expect you to stay strong.

I do know that Christ is my strength. I expect that I will be tested and tried as the days progress to actually live out this statement and to depend on Jesus in ways I could never expect. It is what I do when people aren’t around that will show my true character. It is those times that will be the hardest. But I have processed what W said for a couple of days now and I’m not afraid to show weakness to others. Emotional weakness and physical weakness are just unavoidable given this earthly body that we are currently in. I just pray that even at my weakest I will have the strength to still be able to share Jesus.

2 Corinthians 12:10: That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 This verse takes on new meaning for me. I again am amazed at how this situation just makes the Bible so much more real and so much more alive to me every day!

Wounds

As the days pass I find that the fact that I have a 6 inch tumor on my kidney continues to move further from my mind. I don’t have any pain or anything so I don’t really have symptoms that would constantly remind me of this thing inside me. The phrase “time heals all wounds” comes to mind for me. Catchy phrase but I know it is not true. Time doesn’t heal wounds, it only causes us to forget. It numbs our responses and emotions. No real healing. Only Jesus can heal wounds. In church on Sunday night I heard the most fascinating perspective about the events that led up to Jesus being arrested (John 18:1-11). The focus was on the servant Malchus who had his ear cut off by Simon Peter in verse 10. Jesus tells Peter to put his sword away and then supernatually puts the ear back. I won’t be able to do justice to the amazing insight given by the speaker, but in essence he explains several things that are just cool.

1. Malchus was probably just there to observe. He was actually not a soldier and was not the real threat to Jesus. Sometimes when we are hurt by people it may just be a result of us being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
2. Malchus was hurt by Peter who was a disciple of Jesus and was a good man and who actually had good intentions (to protect his Lord). Sometimes when we are hurt it is by fellow believers who feel that they are doing the right thing.
3. Malchus had a choice when Jesus picked up his ear. He could have said, “No, give it to me. I want to carry this around as a trophy and tell everyone how awful Peter is and I will ruin his minisry”. But he didn’t. He let Jesus come near to him and heal him. Sometimes when we’re hurt we wear our wounds on our shoulder and use them as a trophy instead of giving them to Jesus so he can heal them.
4. Peter couldn’t heal Malchus, only Jesus could. When we’re hurt it is human nature to look to the person that has hurt us to heal us. They can’t do it! As a wise man once told me, they can’t give you what they don’t have. Only Jesus can heal the wound. And only Jesus heals without leaving any scars.

There are so many types of wounds that it is amazing to me. Wounds that may be given by church leadership, from going through a divorce, from some gossip situation, or even wounds that happen not because of what someone has done to us but what they have NOT done. It is mind boggling to think of all the ways we can be hurt. It is not easy to make yourself vulnerable to others. Praise God that He is there so that when we do make ourselves vulnerable and we get wounded, we can be healed.